Why Board Meetings Are A Bad Idea
by dezagirl
Summary: The heroes and royalty of Ooo hold bi-monthly board meetings to address important issues. Or, at least, that was the intent. The meetings somehow manifest themselves into a dramatic argument-fest, which is regarded by the citizens of Ooo as a soap opera. First chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

**Why Board Meetings Are A Bad Idea**

**../..**

The young man walked into the board room with a dense feeling of unease. The oak table looked threatening in its position, and though he'd done this multiple times, the boy still felt terrified. He was a deep reddish purple, being a berry-being. He walked towards the table and put his bag on the table.

The darkened, wood-paneled room seemed to peer ominously at him as he retrieved the supplies from his bag. His eyes stared at the arranged items.

The young man sighed and withdrew the carton of rotten milk. His bag always stank.

His red hands, rounded and lumpy, set aside the various elements. When he had finished, the boy took a step back and observed his work.

His title was Raspberry Duke. He went by Duke. Or, at least, he wished he did. Everyone insisted on calling him Raspberry Duke. Even though Duke _obviously _sounded cooler.

First he carefully dumped the milk in a happy-face. Next, he withdrew a candle holder and placed it at the next seat. The beaker, he set at a far end. The misshapen star, he set next to the beaker. Next was the goblin crown.

The boy thought for a moment before dumping the remaining ingredients in the middle of the table.

Silence, deafening, lingered in the room. Raspberry Duke took a deep breath and began chanting.

The crown shook. Raspberry Duke changed his words and began speaking Latin; the milk glowed. A few more words and the star and beaker shook. An invocation to the Fire Spirits took care of the candleholder.

Raspberry Duke thought for a few more moments, shrugged, and threw a handful of vaguely magical herbs on the center of the table.

"Oooh, um, heroes of Ooo," he chanted, "uh, fill this place with your heroic semblances. Ummm, ancestral spirits also welcome."

An unseen ancestral spirit rolled its eyes in a corner of the room.

"And, uh, be summoned to meet once more, for the bi-monthly board mee- um, the gathering of heroic hearts. To discuss, um, budgeting and other pressing issues. And, ummm-"

"We're here, goob," an amused voice spoke.

Raspberry Duke's eyes met the Vampire Queen's. Marceline gave a wicked smile. "I'm always here first," she noted. "Probably 'cause I have way more magic than any of those other losers. Right?"

Raspberry Duke shrugged weakly. The Vampire Queen snorted and leaned back in her swivel chair, barely floating above the seat.

Fire Princess came next, nearly catching the table on fire yet again, despite Raspberry Duke's multiple Incendo-Proof spells on said table. After spilling out from the candleholder, Fire Princess gathered herself into a more acceptable form and sat, pouting, in her specially made chair, eyes literally blazing.

Lumpy Space Princess fell, face-first, into her seat. She attempted to stand up only to hit her head on the table. Marceline snorted.

"OH MY _GLOB,_" Lumpy Space Princess groaned, scooting into her chair. She peered around nervously. "Like, there weren't any hot guys to see that, right?"

Fire Princess smoldered, and Marceline chuckled. "Nope, just Dookie over there."

Raspberry Duke sighed. The last three guests appeared simultaneously; the dog, the hero, and the scientist popped out of their respective summoning items rather unnoticeably, and settled into their seats.

The remaining audience was not there in physical form, rather, Raspberry Duke had conjured a sort of interface for the rest. The other guests- Turtle Princess, Wildberry Princess, and a few others, could see and be seen, but could not interact with the others.

Raspberry Duke scooped their herbs into remaining seats. His hand reached towards the gavel and slammed it on the table. "The bi-monthly meeting, um, has commenced. Silence, please."

The royals stared at him for a moment before he coughed. "Um, alright, very good. So, we can see the agenda in the front of the room. So, uh, direct your-"

Fire Princess broiled in her seat. "Who, who put 'Schizophrenia Princess' on the board and then wrote 'Fire Princess' on top of it?!"

Raspberry Duke looked vaguely uncomfortable. "Uh, um, you know that the agenda topics, um, they are submitted anonymously-"

"_Shmow-zow!" _ The Goblin King- Finn- declared, waving his sword in the air. "Sweet! 'Slaying Sick Beasts' got on the agenda!"

"Finally," Jake said, stretching out in his seat. "We've been submittin' _that _one for weeks!"

"Um, uh," Raspberry Duke mumbled, "the first topic is picked on a rotating schedule. So Princess Bubblegum gets to pick the first topic."

Princess Bubblegum, who had been smiling sweetly, smiled sweetly yet again. "Thank you, Raspberry Duke." Marceline made a 'phbbbt' sound with her tongue. Princess Bubblegum glared at her.

"Before we do that, we so need to give Rasp-Doo a nickname." Finn waggled his eyebrows at everyone in the room. Princess Bubblegum grimaced and Marceline rolled her eyes.

"Um, uh, we need to stay-"

"How about dooks-rasp?" Jake suggested.

"On topic-"

"I personally like the _Red Dookie,_" Marceline suggested.

"Please, please don't call me th-"

Fire Princess grinned suddenly.

"Wait! I got it! Ardee! Geddit, Raspberry- Duke- R- D- ARDEE!" Finn pumped his fist in the air. "Hey-oo!"

Jake grinned. "That's right, brother. Looks like our moderator is ARDEE!"

'Ardee's face went expressionless. "Princess Bubblegum has the floor," he declared. "Miss Bubblegum?"

Princess Bubblegum smiled politely. "Thank you, Ardee." The princess' pink head swiveled towards the others. "I think we need to do something about item number three, the finances of the Nightosphere."

Marceline groaned. "Of course. Miss Perfect _has _to discuss my shortcomings. Or, actually," Marceline snapped, "lack thereof."

Princess Bubblegum frowned. "I'm just worried," she argued. "How are you and your father paying for all of the new demon-thrones?"

Fire Princess looked surprised. "What? What do you mean, Marceline and her father?"

An uncomfortable silence overtook the room. Marceline sighed. "I took up the mantle. Or the title, anyways. It's not, uh, a full time thing. And even if it was-" she shot a venomous glare at Princess Bubblegum- "it wouldn't be any of you goobs' business."

The Vampire Queen leaned back sourly in her seat.

Turtle Princess spoke from her hologram in a mellow voice with sleepy eyes. "How is your, your GDP?"

"What's a jee-deh-peh?" Jake the Dog asked quizzically.

"I think it measured how many donkeys families had back in the day," Finn whispered.

The Vampire Queen grimaced. "Princess Butterbum," she said flatly, "the Nightosphere's currency is souls and my father is an expert conjurer."

"…And?" Princess Bubblegum asked.

"AND last time I checked we had an extreme surplus of souls, AND last time I checked our new demon thrones came from transformed black magic."

"…Oh," Princess Bubblegum conceded. "Yes. Well. Just asking."

"Finn is rubbing off on you," Marceline muttered. Finn gave a hurt look.

"Uh, um, I think we can cross this off the agenda. The next item, is, um-" Ardee stared at the board.

"Um, it says…Uh…" Ardee stumbled.

"It says 'the issue of schizophre-" Marceline began helpfully.

Ardee grimaced. "Um, we will be, um, taking that topic off the table. Why don't we try…um…overcrowding off Ooo's prisons-"

"What? _What?_" Fire Princess hissed. Smoke coiled around the room. "Nobody wants to talk about me?"

Finn gave an embarrassed look. "Um, I like to talk about you," he said sweetly. Marceline made a retching motion and Bubblegum looked vaguely uncomfortable. Jake, meanwhile, looked to be on the brink of fist pumping yet again.

Lumpy Space Princess spoke up. "I, like, didn't submit it, cause I, like, didn't think of it-"

"'Cause you never think," Marceline muttered. LSP glared at her before continuing. "But, uh, like, I think we need to talk about it. 'Cause Fire Princess has been a total lumpin' downer."

Fire Princess seethed. "A downer?" she questioned, eyes burning dangerously.

Princess Bubblegum cringed. "Can we please remain civil-"

LSP rolled her eyes. "What-ever. It stopped being peacey when Fi- Pee burnt my totes fave pillow. It had my _nnnname _stitched on it," she reminisced.

Turtle Princess spoke up unsurely from her hologram. "Calm down," she advised calmly.

"_Shut up,_" Fire Princess snapped. LSP's purse flew over the table and onto the herb pile. "HOLD MAH PURSE, TURTLE, " LSP screeched. "_No-_body badmouths my bee-ehf-ehfs."

Fire Princess, in one fell swoop, leaped over the table, curled fire onto LSP's purse and pushed her chair aside. "Maybe I wouldn't 'badmouth' your fff-riends if you would stop BEING RUDE TO ME!''

Ardee, horrified, turned to the fire spreading on the herb pile. With a quick spell, water shot onto the herb pile, and the fire sputtered out.

Fire Princess groaned in pain. "SORRY," Ardee stuttered. "I am sorry. It was necessaryi'msorrydon't hhhurt me."

Fire Princess merely bit her lip and glared at him, before her fire tendrils withdrew into her body. "This meeting is adjourned," she said flatly.

Fire Princess strode out the door and outside. Finn chased after her, or attempted to- he was intercepted by Bubblegum. "And where are you going, Finn? The meeting isn't over." Her voice held a slight threat.

Finn, gasping, explained. "Uh, Fire Princess still isn't supposed to be outside alone, cause last time she was she burnt down a village and like hurt a bunch of stuff and everything got burnt and it smelled like burnt popcorn and she's gonna burn stuff I gotta go by."

He ran out the door. Jake followed.

The audience in the herb pile watched, mesmerized, by the drama. Marceline chuckled drily. Bubblegum buried her face in her hands. LSP had an indignant look on her face.

Ardee sighed. "Look, just…nevermind. Um, be back here tomorrow to finish the meeting." With a lowering of his hands, the people were sucked back into their respective portals. Marceline in particular looked furious at having been banished from the room without her consent.

Ardee groaned and sat down for a moment, before a cacophony of whispers alerted him to other presences.

The herb-pile audience was whispering fervently.

With a sigh, his hand swept over the room and the holograms vanished.

Being a moderator was tough.

-,…/

A/N- Whoo! I wrote this really quickly, no lie, to get it out of my system. I definitely want to continue it, though! So comment with some agenda topics, what you want them to talk about, or anything you want to see in the story! :P


	2. Chapter 2

**Why Board Meetings Are A Bad Idea**

**../..**

**A/N- How in the world did I manage to type all of Chapter One calling Flame Princess Fire Princess? ; ugh. Anyways, enjoy.**

**Chapter Two**

The board room was full of agitated royals, corporeal and otherwise. Marceline was currently managing to pick at her nails angrily; Raspberry Duke had not previously thought it possible to do so angrily. Finn and Jake were engaged in a bizarre form of Rock-Paper-Scissors; Lumpy Space Princess was stroking her burnt purse protectively while Flame Princess gazed off distractedly. 'Ardee' felt his work was cut out for him. He looked over the wooden table and its members a final time before clearing his throat.

"Um, welcome all," Ardee mumbled. "We're gathered today because yesterday, uh, you all attacked each other and the meeting was called short."

Marceline snickered. The analog clock in the corner read _7:30_. It was much too early for this, Ardee decided.

Other residents of Ooo flickered in and out of their holographs. Turtle Princess was staring intently at her screen along with Wildberry Princess. A few other Princesses roamed in the background.

Lumpy Space Princess impatiently tapped a pen against the tabletop. "We're wait-ing," she announced flatly.

Marceline gave an imperceptible nod of approval and looked to Ardee. "Tell us the agenda, Ards."

Finn nodded. "Yeah, bro! Tell us!"

"Tell us! Tell us!" Jake chanted. Finn joined in.

Flame Princess' eyebrows rose. "Yes, Ardee, tell us." A flicker of a grin appeared on her face. Well, at least she was in a good mood, Ardee surmised. Princess Bubblegum smiled politely at Fire Princess.

"Well," Ardee mumbled, "there _is_ a report about the Lich King."

The faces of the attendees fell. Princess Bubblegum's forehead creased worryingly.

"Undead have been spotted roaming the Goblin Kingdom's borders." Ardee looked to Finn meaningfully. Finn shifted in his leather seat. "What?" Finn asked after an uncomfortable moment.

The Raspberry Duke looked mildly embarrassed. "Well," he mumbled, after a moment's pause, "you _are _the Goblin King." Ardee scratched his head. "That means protecting the borders is your duty."

Jake's hands slammed onto the table. "That's beaucoup bananas crazy, bro!" he accused. "Finn already told those dudes he didn't want to be king."

Princess Bubblegum looked horrified and turned to Finn. "Finn, did you really not cede your rights as king?"

Finn looked abashed. "Ummm, I gave him his crown back," he said unsurely.

Marceline looked amused. LSP looked curious. "Like, Finn, yeruh Kiiiing?"

Ardee smiled awkwardly. "Apparently so."

Flame Princess merely looked bored. "Well, of course he is," she said, looking at the members of the room rather curiously. "Didn't you guys know that before?"

Her credulous attitude led the attendees to be uncomfortable, especially Finn. Finn shot a "shut up" look at the others before giving a tentative smile to Flame Princess.

Marceline snorted.

"But, you didn't tell me that you…gave…his crown back," Flame Princess whispered thoughtfully. She turned to Finn, her eyes burning. "You, you, I thought you were a goblin."

Finn looked intensely uncomfortable. "No. I mean, yeah, I gave him his crown back," he explained, "but…I…am, uh, a king. But not a goblin but I'm a king. And anyways, uh, uh, I-"

"Uh, well. Anyways," Ardee interrupted. Finn gave him a grateful look. "You need to either cede your rights as king or protect the Goblin border."

Bubblegum's eyes trailed to Finn's figure and Flame Princess' confused expression. LSP was digging in her purse and retrieving popcorn.

Marceline gave a pained expression to the scene at hand before turning to LSP and raising an eyebrow.

LSP sighed, but handed over her purse. Marceline gave a thankful expression before chomping loudly on the popcorn. "It's _burnt_," she spat out afterwards. LSP shrugged. "Not mah problem," she said, giving a pointed look to Flame Princess.

After a terse silence, the Raspberry Duke gave a suggestion. "We can go back to this later. Just, um, think about it, okay?"

Finn nodded.

"Okay. The next one was about, ah, some trouble in Lumpy Space. Portals, they keep opening."

Marceline's blasé expression turned to one of concern.

Jake shoved popcorn in his face and spat out kernels as he spoke. "Whoa, dude. That's legit bad. Marcy, are those portals your Dad's?"

"Uh," Marceline mumbled.

Princess Bubblegum turned to Marceline. "Or have _you _been opening them?"

Marceline looked annoyed. Her mouth began to form 'whatever'; however, a look crossed her eyes and she suddenly looked very, very scared. "It doesn't even matter," she muttered.

LSP frowned. "You hafta spill. It's the rulessss."

Princess Bubblegum groaned and facepalmed.

"Yes," Marceline admitted flatly, shifting in her chair. A boot-clad foot dangled lazily from one of its edges. "Some of them are mine." Marceline struggled to keep her face expressionless; her brief show of fear seconds before, however, was still in everyone's mind. "But the rest are from different Underworld dimensions. People have been showing up and-"

"Getting up, like, in your grill and stuff?" LSP suggested, flipping her purplish, frizzy hair over a shoulder carelessly. "Yeah, I, like, know the feeling."

An unusual expression crossed Marceline's face for a moment before she nodded. "Yeah, getting in my grill or whatever you dweebs say." Her arms crossed involuntarily and her red eyes glared at the seated royals. "Nothing I can't handle, though."

Bubblegum opened her mouth to speak, but the Raspberry Duke interrupted. "We can, um, discuss that in a closed session later if you want," he suggested, gesturing towards the screen interface. Various royalty were standing, enraptured, watching the meeting.

Marceline frowned and bit her lip before nodding. "Yeah, that's fine."

"Okay. Cool," Finn declared. "So what's the next deal?"

Ardee glanced over the agenda for a moment. "There's something about colonies of-"

The bell rang loudly. Ardee grimaced. "Meeting is adjourned," he spoke politely. His lumpy figure turned to the room's occupants. "Should I teleport you all?" he inquiried.

Finn shrugged. Jake shook his head. "Nah, man! Me and Finn're gonna stretch it out." His legs grew and his elastic arms swept Finn onto his back.

Princess Bubblegum stood for a moment, silent, before looking bothered by something. "I would like to be teleported, if you could. I neglected to ask Lady Rainicorn to come retrieve me. I didn't ask for a carriage back either."

Ardee shrugged and complied. Bonnibel went up in a swirl of smoke.

Flame Princess looked conflicted for a moment before determination crossed her face. "I'll walk," she declared. Finn looked incredibly uncomfortable before LSP spoke up. "I'll, like, take her home or what-everrrr."

Finn still looked disbelieving. "Um, no offense, LSP, but-"

Marceline groaned. "Shut up, dude. I got it, okay?"

Finn and Jake looked surprised, but Marceline merely waved them away. "Really. No prob." LSP nodded as well and linked arms thoughtlessly for a moment with Flame Princess, only to be burnt.

"Owwwwwmy_lumpppps_," she hissed. Marceline sighed, looking regretful of volunteering, and motioned towards the door.

When the three royals had exited, and the two heroes had finally gone, Ardee collapsed in his chair. Exhaustion plagued his limbs.

The clock cheerfully declared it to be nine-o-clock.

…**/…**

The path was long to the Fire Kingdom. Marceline floated above the stone path, as did LSP; Flame Princess' footfalls, however, were loud against the stones.

They walked in silence for a moment before Marceline looked at Flame Princess questioningly. "Are you sure you don't want me to portal you there?"

Flame Princess shook her head. "No, I like to walk. Stone doesn't burn when I step on it."

LSP observed the winding stone path. Her eyes opened with realization. "Oh. You, like, don't get to do stuff a lot, do you?"

Flame Princess burned brightly for a moment and stopped to glare at LSP. Her mind readied for a defense before her eyes dulled, and her tightened fists unballed.

"Yeah," she muttered. "I, um, guess you could say that."

Marceline gestured impatiently for them to continue. LSP relented and kept floating, and Flame Princess walked steadily across the scattered stones. "Floating is, floating is lame," she teased, attempting a joke. Marceline grinned mischievously and broke out into a full trot on the path. LSP poked out her feet tentatively at the path but grimaced when they brushed against the rough stones. "Like, I pass," she said.

Marceline merely stuck out her tongue and kept running with Flame Princess. LSP, chagrined but amused, followed, floating.

…**/…**

Turtle Princess raised her coffee mug to her lips. "So, what did you guyyys think about the shoooow?" she asked mellowly.

Wildberry Princess gestured excitedly. "The Duke is doing such a good job! I remember when he was really little, he would always leak juice everywhere! It was kind of gross, actually," she finished.

Ghost Princess spoke in a ghostly moan. "Itttt wasssss okkkaaaaaay," she conceded.

Peppermint Butler stood behind the royals, looking vaguely disapproving.

Starchy shrugged his shoulders; Jungle Princess was frowning.

A few minor royals were gossiping intently behind the others. Wildberry Princess sighed and turned to the higher royals. "Let's leave before they start asking us stupid questions about our friends." Hotdog Princess, formerly quiet, nodded and left with her friend. Ghost Princess looked depressed but drifted away.

_../.._

**a/n- I hope you guys like it so far ; it's about to get COHERENT PLOTTY up in here.**


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